*On the eve of yet another birthday I decided to clean up my computer files a bit. I found this, which was a myspace ‘about me’ blurb I wrote just over a year ago. I find it interesting how true it still is today. When I wrote it, I wasn’t sure how timeless it would be. It seems as though I’ve gone through a whole lifetime between then and now, but something in me has remained constant. It’s nice to know that I know myself better than I think I do even when I feel like I don’t know myself at all. I’ve come full circle once again. Another year older, and definitely another year wiser. Sometimes as we walk through the labyrinth of life we feel like we are going backwards, like we’re walking in circles. We are. But we are getting closer to the center with every step. When we finally find our way back out again, we are still the same, yet different. That is how I feel now. The same, yet different…
4/17/08 ‘About Me’
Geisha, muse, concubine, courtesan, entertainer, star, diva, bitch…
Call me whatever you’d like. It really doesn’t matter. I spent so much time wanting people to see who the real person was behind all the titles. Behind labels and false perceptions. The real me trying in vain to fight my way through the mist of the facade of me others created. Not realizing they were only seeing themselves in the mirror of judgments they made out of me, my words, my choices, my thoughts, my actions…
I feel myself withdrawing to the safety of the world I create in solitude. A world of beauty, sensuality, magic, ecstasy, bliss. Not just fleeting moments of bliss, but minutes, hours, days at a time. Finding the extra ordinary in the mundane. Seeing beyond the darkness to bask in the light.
I can be a little hard to swallow. My energy is intense. I’m ever changing. Ever growing. I have no concept of time. I’m no longer lowering my vibration so I can fit in with “you” and your rigid belief system.
I do not anger easily. I do not hold grudges. I love unconditionally. Meaning actually without conditions. I know it’s a crazy concept but just try and imagine it for a minute. I love you whether you’re the most amazing person on this planet or a complete asshole. I love you whether I get what I want from you or not. Just because I love you, doesn’t mean I have to like you. Just because I like you, doesn’t mean I love you.
I abhor extremes. Neediness/martyrdom/victim hood make me cringe-Empower yourself already for god’s sake! Control freaks frustrate me-Let it fucking go already! Paranoid suspicious types-get over yourselves!
I’m selective and extremely particular with whom I share myself with. Just because I’ve told you my life story or you’ve read all my blogs, or you heard something from ’so and so’ does not mean that you know me at all. These are all things about me, but they are not me. I am not my job, or where I go to school, my experiences, or my name. I am nameless, formless, silence. I am. We are.
Hate me and you hate yourself, hurt me and you hurt yourself, judge me and you judge yourself. I am here to reflect you.
This is ‘about me’ today, right now, in this moment. It may be different tomorrow. It might not. But the core of me always remains the same. That is something that either you will see or not.
I happen to be very much in love with myself right now. Not in the conceited sense, but in the sense that I love myself selflessly like I have always loved others. I’m nurturing myself, encouraging myself, supporting myself, having fun with myself. That might sound strange but it’s true.
I’m not looking for responses or kudos. I don’t want any accolades. All I want is for you to feel the amazing things that I feel. I do what I do and I am who I am because I love it. It feels good to me. That’s all. No manipulations, no bullshit…
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