*On the eve of yet another birthday I decided to clean up my computer files a bit. I found this, which was a myspace ‘about me’ blurb I wrote just over a year ago. I find it interesting how true it still is today. When I wrote it, I wasn’t sure how timeless it would be. It seems as though I’ve gone through a whole lifetime between then and now, but something in me has remained constant. It’s nice to know that I know myself better than I think I do even when I feel like I don’t know myself at all. I’ve come full circle once again. Another year older, and definitely another year wiser. Sometimes as we walk through the labyrinth of life we feel like we are going backwards, like we’re walking in circles. We are. But we are getting closer to the center with every step. When we finally find our way back out again, we are still the same, yet different. That is how I feel now. The same, yet different…

4/17/08 ‘About Me’

Geisha, muse, concubine, courtesan, entertainer, star, diva, bitch…

Call me whatever you’d like. It really doesn’t matter. I spent so much time wanting people to see who the real person was behind all the titles. Behind labels and false perceptions. The real me trying in vain to fight my way through the mist of the facade of me others created. Not realizing they were only seeing themselves in the mirror of judgments they made out of me, my words, my choices, my thoughts, my actions…

I feel myself withdrawing to the safety of the world I create in solitude. A world of beauty, sensuality, magic, ecstasy, bliss. Not just fleeting moments of bliss, but minutes, hours, days at a time. Finding the extra ordinary in the mundane. Seeing beyond the darkness to bask in the light.

I can be a little hard to swallow. My energy is intense. I’m ever changing. Ever growing. I have no concept of time. I’m no longer lowering my vibration so I can fit in with “you” and your rigid belief system.

I do not anger easily. I do not hold grudges. I love unconditionally. Meaning actually without conditions. I know it’s a crazy concept but just try and imagine it for a minute. I love you whether you’re the most amazing person on this planet or a complete asshole. I love you whether I get what I want from you or not. Just because I love you, doesn’t mean I have to like you. Just because I like you, doesn’t mean I love you.

I abhor extremes. Neediness/martyrdom/victim hood make me cringe-Empower yourself already for god’s sake! Control freaks frustrate me-Let it fucking go already!  Paranoid suspicious types-get over yourselves!

I’m selective and extremely particular with whom I share myself with. Just because I’ve told you my life story or you’ve read all my blogs, or you heard something from ’so and so’ does not mean that you know me at all. These are all things about me, but they are not me. I am not my job, or where I go to school, my experiences, or my name. I am nameless, formless, silence. I am. We are.

Hate me and you hate yourself, hurt me and you hurt yourself, judge me and you judge yourself. I am here to reflect you.

This is ‘about me’ today, right now, in this moment. It may be different tomorrow. It might not. But the core of me always remains the same. That is something that either you will see or not.

I happen to be very much in love with myself right now. Not in the conceited sense, but in the sense that I love myself selflessly like I have always loved others. I’m nurturing myself, encouraging myself, supporting myself, having fun with myself.  That might sound strange but it’s true.

I’m not looking for responses or kudos. I don’t want any accolades. All I want is for you to feel the amazing things that I feel. I do what I do and I am who I am because I love it. It feels good to me. That’s all. No manipulations, no bullshit…

*Design by www.barbarashapel.com

Today I am humbled by the increasing awareness that I am not enough for most people’s expectations. The more I have tried to fill or rebel these requirements laid upon me, the further away I’ve gotten from my true self that ultimately desires the same things. So in the end who have I really disappointed? Myself most definitely.

Slowing down today with the help of the Scorpio full moon and my body at it’s most yin. Taking time to breathe through this feeling I push aside so often. Read the rest of this entry »

You may be wondering why exactly I would revisit every one of my love affairs through an avenue so powerful as music. The truth is, I’m ready for ‘the one’. I’m ready to settle down, to stop searching and start being. I’m ready to give my heart completely, but I’m aware that there are pieces still left to heal. Until this is complete, I choose not to embark on another attempt at union with a whole heart until mine is whole as well. I’ve always rushed into relationships because of an underlying desperation to be loved. Now that I have truly found love within myself, my desire for a relationship is only to offer the gift of love I know now I already have. But I want to give love that is fresh and clean, not tainted with smudges of filth clinging to the hidden parts of my being. Read the rest of this entry »

*Photo: http://icanhascheezburger.com

After the most recent ultimate failure of my love life, I’ve been quite busy spring cleaning my heart, mind, and soul trying to find the source of my disastrous patterns. My past experiences have been anything but fulfilling. Sure there were truly amazing things about them and intense depth of feeling, but I was always ultimately unsatisfied for one reason or another. But why? How could that be? Read the rest of this entry »

I have to take a moment as a parent to rant about this universal issue. I find it amazing just how many things kids can think of to do other than the thing they’re supposed to do but don’t want to. Like go to bed for example. The mysterious ailments that suddenly need immediate medical attention, the burning questions that just can’t wait, and my all-time favorite of course the good ole “I can’t sleep” . I think it’s rather amusing to say the least that kids actually think we would believe such ridiculousness.  It’s truly remarkable. I read you a story, massaged your little hands and feet, sang you at least 3 songs, you peed 5 times, blew your nose 4 times, took 20 min to go #2, had 3 nightmares, asked 10 questions, NOW GO TO SLEEP DAMMIT!! haha Ugh…

Have you ever been in a situation that put you against everything you were ever used to or wanted? Well I am right in the very middle of said situation. Can’t go back now. I can only go forward. I’m in the darkest part of the tunnel. I see the light shining like a tiny speck at the end of it, but I want to go back. I do. I’m not gonna lie. However, I committed to it, and I’ve never felt good about breaking a commitment.

But I feel about <–> close to caving in. Read the rest of this entry »

I don’t know if you had heard, but I am taking a test drive of a couple of online dating services. Not because I think I will actually find anyone of interest to me, but because I’m morbidly curious. Besides, if I’m exploring this avenue, at least 1 other female who is just like me, phenomenal & gorgeous, is doing the same. At least that is my hope anyway. Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes we feel something and cannot find the words. Sometimes, it’s because someone already did. I listened to this song on repeat driving from L.A up the Pacific Coast Highway at sunset. It was the first time I’d seen the ocean in over 5 years. I cannot begin to explain what this song, mingling with the winding road, and the ocean air did to my heart that day.

It was still tainted with fresh wounds from the battles of a failed love.  It was tattered beyond repair. Of course  just to test the limits, I was falling in love with someone else I had never intended to. Someone I had no idea how to even begin loving. I had been in turmoil over it for weeks, resisting the emotion that was pulling at my heart. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve always considered myself a very honest person. Though the more I get to know myself the more I realize I really haven’t been. At least not with things that really mattered. Like the things that my heart whispers to me. I’ve been too busy listening to the voice of the darkness within me. Mistaking it for truth. The part of me that leads me to believe I am not worthy or deserving of happiness. The part of me that has pushed every chance of me getting what I want away because I hid from myself what I really wanted. This lead to enormous amounts of pain, guilt, and depression. Which in turn lead to more decisions to bring to me only more of those things.

Read the rest of this entry »

You leave me speechless more often then not. Wide eyed, enthralled, with a delight that tickles my insides, bubbles up and forms an involuntary smile on my lips. I hear myself laugh from the pleasure of your existence. It pulls at me to unbind my heart and let it fly free. Raining love upon your beauty as it soars above and beyond anything I’ve ever known or seen in this life.

But as high as I fly, the ease of which I am falling is frightening. Read the rest of this entry »