You may be wondering why exactly I would revisit every one of my love affairs through an avenue so powerful as music. The truth is, I’m ready for ‘the one’. I’m ready to settle down, to stop searching and start being. I’m ready to give my heart completely, but I’m aware that there are pieces still left to heal. Until this is complete, I choose not to embark on another attempt at union with a whole heart until mine is whole as well. I’ve always rushed into relationships because of an underlying desperation to be loved. Now that I have truly found love within myself, my desire for a relationship is only to offer the gift of love I know now I already have. But I want to give love that is fresh and clean, not tainted with smudges of filth clinging to the hidden parts of my being. Read the rest of this entry »

This is a musical journey through 10 years of love lost and found. I hope you enjoy the journey as much as I did…

( For the video version of this musical herstory click ‘Read the rest of this entry’)

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*Photo: http://icanhascheezburger.com

After the most recent ultimate failure of my love life, I’ve been quite busy spring cleaning my heart, mind, and soul trying to find the source of my disastrous patterns. My past experiences have been anything but fulfilling. Sure there were truly amazing things about them and intense depth of feeling, but I was always ultimately unsatisfied for one reason or another. But why? How could that be? Read the rest of this entry »

I don’t know if you had heard, but I am taking a test drive of a couple of online dating services. Not because I think I will actually find anyone of interest to me, but because I’m morbidly curious. Besides, if I’m exploring this avenue, at least 1 other female who is just like me, phenomenal & gorgeous, is doing the same. At least that is my hope anyway. Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes we feel something and cannot find the words. Sometimes, it’s because someone already did. I listened to this song on repeat driving from L.A up the Pacific Coast Highway at sunset. It was the first time I’d seen the ocean in over 5 years. I cannot begin to explain what this song, mingling with the winding road, and the ocean air did to my heart that day.

It was still tainted with fresh wounds from the battles of a failed love.  It was tattered beyond repair. Of course  just to test the limits, I was falling in love with someone else I had never intended to. Someone I had no idea how to even begin loving. I had been in turmoil over it for weeks, resisting the emotion that was pulling at my heart. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve always considered myself a very honest person. Though the more I get to know myself the more I realize I really haven’t been. At least not with things that really mattered. Like the things that my heart whispers to me. I’ve been too busy listening to the voice of the darkness within me. Mistaking it for truth. The part of me that leads me to believe I am not worthy or deserving of happiness. The part of me that has pushed every chance of me getting what I want away because I hid from myself what I really wanted. This lead to enormous amounts of pain, guilt, and depression. Which in turn lead to more decisions to bring to me only more of those things.

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Now there are quite a few of us out there, myself included, that go from one relationship to another. Sometimes these relationships even overlap. As one is ending the other is phasing in. It occurred to me that if that is the case, if we go from one relationship directly into the other without the proper time in between to process lessons learned or not, does that mean that every other relationship we get into is merely a rebound relationship in between the real ones? Read the rest of this entry »

Recently my counselor told me that she doesn’t believe that I am really a lesbian. She thinks I just have issues with men. On the other hand, she told my ex-girlfriend the very same thing. I have a sneaking suspision that it is due to the fact that we are both “lipstick” lesbians. Then again, maybe she really knows the difference. Regardless, it has left me with some questions in my mind. I have considered her viewpoint that I may indeed NOT be a lesbian, but it leaves me quite in a panic and in a severe identity crisis. Read the rest of this entry »

Part 3: The beginning of a new world

The next day, before school started, Adrienne says “Rachel wants me to talk to you for her.”

“Okay.” I said. “About what?” Adrienne shot me a very strange look.

“ No. She wants me to talk to you for her.” She gave me another strange look and walked away. The implication that Rachel wanted to know if I was interested in her finally materialized into my thoughts. I shook it away thinking that could not possibly be what Adrienne was talking about. At the same time, I was admittedly intrigued and flattered by the possibility. Still, I didn’t believe it.

A couple of hours later, I walked into the dance room as Chrissie was saying  “Rachel is not like that!” Read the rest of this entry »

Girl,

I fucking love you. It has no rhyme. It has no bloody reason.

I try to hold on to the negativity. I try to find reasons why I should let you go.

Letting go, holding on, the only conclusion I ever come to, is that I fucking love you.

It never matters how angry I get, it never matters how hurt, how confused, or how frustrated.

That always seems to fade and what is left? I fucking love you.
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