Missing her tremendously. The depth to which I feel her absence in this moment is revealing itself to me. The truth of it. Not what I allow to seep into my conscious awareness, but the rawness of it. The whole of it. Creating situations in which my heart will be broken to conceal my broken soul beneath. Leaving me to deny what I really feel. Made of my flesh and blood reflecting perfectly all that I ever could be, I feel her needing me. Pulling me, calling me. Asking why. Why mommy, why? Why are you so far away? Why are you not here with me when I love you so much? You are my world mommy. Why am I not yours?
As my heart purges the illusions I have swallowed for so long. I have no answers for her. I simply don’t know how. I know that every drop of my being wants it to be different, but I don’t know how. Just like my mother didn’t know how. Just like her mother didn’t know how. I’ve been too busy chasing after the love I thought I had been missing all this time. The love that I thought I needed to receive in order to give her the love she needs. When all I ever had to do was give her the love that she needs and I would have the whole world sparkling before my eyes. I’m so sorry my precious one. Too many years have passed. I pray that as I have realized these truths, so have mothers and daughters everywhere. Let us heal these wounds once and for all. Release the vicious patterns we have deadlocked ourselves into. I see her now. I am so ever grateful. She amazes me each and everyday. She is my greatest teacher. She is my hero. I strive to be more like her with every breath…
And yet, the fear creeps in. The wall still there holding me back from loving her completely. From surrendering to it. Anger. With her father. Knowing he is a part of her and she a part of him. The piece of me that resists loving him is also not free to love her. Wow. Okay…I see now that the root of all pain is not the lack of receiving love, but the reluctance to give it. I’ve been denying her the love she is so worthy of, denying the love I am so worthy of because of anger. Because of an unwillingness to be the one to love first, the one to forgive first.. What a bunch of ego bullshit! How childish I’ve been. The divine paradox is beginning to make perfect sense. The world is merely a mirror of our inner world. Heard it a thousand times, but I think I really get it now.
Imagine, you’re standing in front of your bathroom mirror wearing all blue. If you’re wearing all Blue, the only thing you will see is the color blue. No matter how much you want to see the color red. No matter how many books you read about manifesting the color red in the mirror. No matter how much you wish, pray, plead, beg, imagine…etc that you were wearing a red shirt instead of a blue one, you are still wearing a blue shirt. The only way to see yourself wearing a red shirt in your bathroom mirror is to put on a mother f*cking red shirt! Get it!?
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Life. It’s so simple. The path is clear. The way told to us over and over and over again. We’ve been begging, pleading, praying, manifesting, warring, pillaging, hurting, blaming and torturing to find the secret door to unlock. The door we’ve been standing in front of all along. And it is already open. We are already free. The only thing you need to do is realize it. We have the power to change the world. One red shirt at a time.
