I just saw “The Yes Man” It was awesome. It also reminded me of this. YES!

Morning wood:

“She’s still wet. Touch her. Explore her.”

*silence*

“You have really nice vaginal walls”

“Haha. Thanks. But what constitutes nice vaginal walls exactly lol?”

” You know, they’re nicely toned, tight, smooth. I was with a girl once and
I could tell as soon as I was inside of her that she didn’t have good vaginal walls. I pulled out immediately.
I think she was sorta angry, but hey, I have very high standards when it comes to vagina.”

LOL I love great morning conversation. It just makes my day. Apparently I have great vaginal walls by comparison at least. I’m not super familiar with the standards by which to measure the greatness or not so greatness of vagina, but judging by patrons comments past and present, I’m making some pretty great marks. I really wish I had payed more attention to the vaginas I’ve had the pleasure of meeting all of these years. I must say I now have a peaked curiosity about the varied structure and composition of different kinds of vaginas. I would like to meet some more. Have tea perhaps, talk about politics, compare and contrast vaginas that speak different languages. Its a very interesting subject. I wonder if there is a field of research study called vaginatology.

I would love to be a vaginatologist. I could study the climate, the weather changes, its likes and dislikes. The amount of rainfall, what causes might lead to drought, or flash floods for that matter.

I’m gonna look into that.

And “apparently Jesus is black”? Wtf? Does he mean Jack Black? Bad joke. Very bad.

If only someone told me at that age that at some point pussy would control my life, I wonder if I would be a different person today. We’ve all been there. Don’t front. There is always that one woman that has it so good it takes you months to get away even though the relationship failed long before. Or maybe it’s the girl who was supposed to be a one night stand that turned into a half a year or more of one night stands. You know what I’m talking about. I can see you smiling.

I will tell you right now though. IT’S A TRAP! If you see this happening to you, run for your life. Women are way too emotional for sex to be “just sex”. It might be the first couple of times, but then someone will almost always fall in love. What they don’t realize is that they are really just in love with the good lovin’. If they could have just kept it simple, the good lovin’ could continue. Now instead, you have a dilemma on your hands. One girl wants the sex but not the relationship and the other wants more than just sex.

This is where things can get extra complicated because even though the girl who is in love wants more than just sex, it is now a weapon. She gives it up more. She ups her game. She does things you’ve always fantasized about. Catering to your every sexual desire. She keeps you coming back for more. And you are now a victim of pussy control.

You know on some level that this broad is bad for you but you are addicted to a new level of sensual experiences. You do your best to make the “relationship” work, but in reality the only thing that is working is the sex. You may even meet a new girl that is amazing in every way, but you can’t make a move knowing that if it doesn’t work out you’ve lost out on what you have labeled “the best sex ever”. If this is happening to you right now, you may be an addict and victim of pussy control and may need to seek professional help. Immediately. Walk away and don’t look back.

I’m serious about this. Take a chance. Let it go. Make a move on that new girl that enthralls you in every way. Because I guarantee that she is not gonna wait around for you to get your head out of pussy land long enough to realize that the “great sex” is not worth losing out an a great relationship.

So in conclusion, though it seems like the most amazing sex you’ve ever had, watch out that it’s not just pussy control. Because the only outcome that can possibly occur in the end are a bunch of broken hearts and no one getting what they really wanted in the first place. Falling prey to pussy control= a lose-lose-lose situation.

May you and your loved ones be armed with the clarity of sight to stay miles away from pussy control this holiday season. And forever.

-Natty B.

Best song ever. I love the Justin Timberlake-ish breakdown. Classic. LOL

I honestly have every intention on being open to the possibility that I might date you. I really do. I give it my honest effort. I’m engaged in your conversation, I’m intrigued by your personality, you might even think you have a shot to take me out or something. But when it really comes down to it, I just can’t get physically attracted. And since men and women cannot be friends, its over before anything even began.

It sucks for me too. Trust. I would much rather have a simple man than a complicated woman anyday. But I can never go through with it. Even if you manage to get my number, I most likely will NOT answer when you call. Sorry.

I change my mind. Its my perogative. I’m a woman.
Its not that I’m a tease, its that one moment I feel that you are really interesting/hot/funny..etc and the other moment I realize “I love the ladies. A LOT!”

Sorry guys. Not much else I can say about it.

Dear crackhead upstairs neighbor,

It really saddens me that you are up from 11:30pm to 6:30 am EVERYNIGHT stomping around and banging into furniture and such. And it amazes me that even though you don’t sleep at night, you are still up at 2 in the afternoon vaccuming. I really wish I had that kind of spunk you know. I’m slightly jealous of your enthusiasm for early afternoon cleaning.

That day I was trying to take a nap because you kept me awake all night and I heard the scratching noises coming from inside your closet was really awesome. What’s even awesomer is that if you are not up at the time you usually are, I kinda get worried that you might have od’ed or something. Its nice to not have you stomping around like bigfoot, but I can’t sleep because I think something might be wrong with you. Then I hear you again and I feel much better. You’re still fucking loud as hell, but at least your are alive. How fucked up is that!?

I care about you crackhead neighbor even though I never hear you come in and I never hear you leave. Its great that I feel completely insane for lack of sleep for the last 6months. I could almost be an honorary crack head too. That’s really a great gift you have given me crackhead neighbor. I wonder what you look like crack head neighbor. I’m gonna miss you when I’m gone. We’ve had some great times you and I. Take care crackhead neighbor. Its bittersweet, but I think I’ll be just fine without you.

Love your devoted downstairs neighbor,

Natty B.

Not coming off like a complete and total waste of time to someone you think is attractive is a lot easier if you aren’t so wasted.