Day 1 9:01 am

Smoking has been my comfort, my best-friend, my good time companion and my bad time buddy. It’s been with me through 4 cities, 2 countries, 18 moves, and 3 major break-ups. It’s been with me through thick and through thin. It’s the reason I’ve met certain people and or became closer to them. It really has made it’s place in almost every single part of my existence. It has been my longest relationship. For the last 9, almost 10 years I’ve known my addiction better than I’ve known myself. My life revolved around my next drag.

These days I’ve grown tired of the relationship I have with Nikki. She’s no good for me. There is not a single reason I can think of to keep her around. And still, the journey to let her go completely has been a major process of self-examination, self-control, and self-realization. Because see smoking isn’t just about smoking. In all actuality quitting is not difficult at all once we really decide to do it. I’ve quit before. The moment I found out I was pregnant with my daughter 7 years ago, quit no problemo. No cravings, no issues, nada. There is always something underlying our addictions. We are running from something, hiding something from ourselves, deluding ourselves. Whatever it is, I intend to find it. And I intend to share my journey in hopes that you may choose one day to take this journey yourself whatever your addiction may be.

See we all have something. We are all familiar with what people consider “real” addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, etc… A lot of people think they are somehow above the addiction cycle because they are not drug addicts. The truth is, there are a lot more addictions out there that can be as destructive that do not get recognized. Some are addicted to falling in love. Some are addicted to drama. Some of you are TV addicts or internet chat room addicts. Some of you are addicted to being miserable. Whatever it is, if it’s destructive in anyway and you can’t seem to stop, it’s an addiction.

Here’s to unraveling the general neurosis plaguing the human spirit. I will be free. And I will show you how to be free too. I have no idea where this is going to take me, where this path will lead. I’m gonna get real honest, raw, vulnerable. Why? Because I know I’m not the only one who feels what I feel. I have the courage to look inside myself. Am I scared? Hell yeah. Terrified. Here’s to success!

Enjoy the ride.

-Natty B.

Day 1: Dream 1

Softly and sweetly you approached me
Content to be alone,
Your energy slowly entered my perception
I came close to you and your lips fell against my neck
Not in lust or desire
but in adoration and grateful attention
Without thinking, I kissed your lips, lingering unexpectedly
Slowly pulling away
Noticing the shock on your face and mine
at how right it all felt
Suddenly embarrassed, we searched the floor for words…

Day 2: Dream 2

You appeared where I was alone perusing
the musical instruments carefully hung on the walls.
Suddenly I felt you
The beauty of your essence enfolded me in serenity
I exhaled and was delighted you were there.
Without a word you took my hand
I was not sure where you were leading me,
but the bliss I felt with your hand in mine melted away
any resistance and fear left in my thoughts…
I’m still not sure if it is me calling you, or you calling me…

Day 3: Dream 3

It was a late night
Dark and still
This time you were in my home
Adorably pleased to be where you were
We lounged around and chatted
The dialogue now escaping me
The atmosphere was one of contained excitement, uncertainty,
and the innocence of a teenage love affair
*As I write this, I feel the distinct feeling of déjà vu wash over me*
Your smile was radiant
I was aflutter and yet slightly suspicious as to why you were here with me
I was nervous, not really sure what you wanted
I hoped eventually you would intimate your reasons
But I was content in the meantime to conversate and bask in the brilliance of your countenance

Time passed and there was a soft knock at the door
It was an unexpected visitor
It gave you a reason to tear yourself away
You thought it was better you left anyway
So I let her in and walked with you downstairs
You leaned up against the car door
You pulled me close to you
Your hands on my hips
I can’t remember who kissed who first
It could have been that we just kissed each other
I remember the way your tongue felt inside of my mouth
I traced the inside of your lips and teased the metal ball underneath your tongue
My hands were clenched in fists down in front of me as you held my arms
Still kissing, your hands fell down to mine and you guided them to your waist
Touching your skin for the first time was so intoxicating I moaned slightly,
against my every attempt not to
A few more moments went by and you pulled away laughing gently
“You’re really into me aren’t you?”
Your surprise at that fact was quite endearing and ever slightly annoying
I thought I had been quite clear
Perhaps it was more subtle than I felt it
Perhaps you were resisting for the same reasons I have
Fear maybe, hard-headedness?
Who knows
You then said some words and your energy shifted ever so slightly
I got the feeling that you had some things you needed to take care of
It seemed to me this had to do with someone else
Not another woman, no, a man
Or something personal within your own soul
Or both perhaps
Something comfortable for you,
but I could tell you were curious as to what our interactions have promised,
pulling you into the unknown
I sensed it would be a process to let go
You are willing and yet it would only be layer by layer
and little by little that this thing between us would unfold
Whatever it may be
Even amidst my impatient air
I admit I find a secret pleasure in unraveling
this enigma we have created for ourselves
As though it would be worth nothing without the struggle…

Geisha, muse, courtesan, concubine… A glorified prostitute I’ve been most of my life. Made to believe it was my pleasure to provide others with the pleasure of my flesh. The pleasure of my voice, the pleasure of my energy, the pleasure of my gifts and of my graces. I found myself bound. I became a slave to the unconscious exchange. I wanting only to be loved for what was underneath my many masks, and they wanting to feel special, wanting to feel alive. Deeper, darker intentions lurked beneath superficial affection and adoration. As I was feeling pieces of me stolen away with every ‘I love you’. Disappointment prevailed. Sadness. Loneliness. Why could no one see me? How could they? I had hidden my true self behind the beautiful shiny exterior I allowed others to see. They demanded and I supplied. Surrendering my needs to those of others.

I was content for a while. Deluding myself into believing I liked my position. I liked the power it gave me over others. At least I thought. Really, I was peddling away pieces of myself to the first and often lowest bidder. The emptiness began to overtake me. I could not deny it any more. There was no moment’s rest. I had become a fulltime American Geisha. In the public world playing the part was inevitable, even tolerable. But I had no sanctuary. Even my most intimate world was poisoned by demands to perform. What was worse was the oscillation of prideful encouragement of my public work with fierce possessiveness and jealousy after fulfilling the request. It was maddening. Even at my best I could not please everyone all the time. My self-esteem took a sharp downward spiral, as did my sanity. I lost my passion for life. I succumbed to depression. Suicide became a very viable option. At least then I could rest. The depth of the emptiness in my soul was almost too much for me to carry. Finally, I couldn’t take it any more. I refused to continue to wallow in self-pity and self-loathing. I refused to continue to be a whore.

Anger became my salvation. I was pissed off. Enraged. How could I have let them take from me? How could I have given what I did? Empty promises to love and nurture my being when all they really wanted was to be entertained. They wanting me to play the role they had written for me. Obliged to because I had willingly sold myself. Not for riches, but for love. Rather for what seemed like love. In reality, none have truly loved me. There was never the opportunity. I had been geisha, muse, courtesan, concubine, and the glorified prostitute. I had never just been me. I do not want to be worshipped. I do not want to be served, adored, or admired. I don’t want to be lusted for or fantasized about. I want to be known. I want others to know me beyond my masks. To know my true self. I want to really connect. I want real intimacy. I want peace. I want to just be me. Most importantly, I am no longer hiding the real me from the world. Take me or leave me. But you will be doing just that. Receiving me or leaving me be. Just as I am.

The American Geisha has fallen. And now I have risen…

Missing her tremendously. The depth to which I feel her absence in this moment is revealing itself to me. The truth of it. Not what I allow to seep into my conscious awareness, but the rawness of it. The whole of it. Creating situations in which my heart will be broken to conceal my broken soul beneath. Leaving me to deny what I really feel. Made of my flesh and blood reflecting perfectly all that I ever could be, I feel her needing me. Pulling me, calling me. Asking why. Why mommy, why? Why are you so far away? Why are you not here with me when I love you so much? You are my world mommy. Why am I not yours?

As my heart purges the illusions I have swallowed for so long. I have no answers for her. I simply don’t know how. I know that every drop of my being wants it to be different, but I don’t know how. Just like my mother didn’t know how. Just like her mother didn’t know how. I’ve been too busy chasing after the love I thought I had been missing all this time. The love that I thought I needed to receive in order to give her the love she needs. When all I ever had to do was give her the love that she needs and I would have the whole world sparkling before my eyes. I’m so sorry my precious one. Too many years have passed. I pray that as I have realized these truths, so have mothers and daughters everywhere. Let us heal these wounds once and for all. Release the vicious patterns we have deadlocked ourselves into. I see her now. I am so ever grateful. She amazes me each and everyday. She is my greatest teacher. She is my hero. I strive to be more like her with every breath…

And yet, the fear creeps in. The wall still there holding me back from loving her completely. From surrendering to it. Anger. With her father. Knowing he is a part of her and she a part of him. The piece of me that resists loving him is also not free to love her. Wow. Okay…I see now that the root of all pain is not the lack of receiving love, but the reluctance to give it. I’ve been denying her the love she is so worthy of, denying the love I am so worthy of because of anger. Because of an unwillingness to be the one to love first, the one to forgive first.. What a bunch of ego bullshit! How childish I’ve been. The divine paradox is beginning to make perfect sense. The world is merely a mirror of our inner world. Heard it a thousand times, but I think I really get it now.

Imagine, you’re standing in front of your bathroom mirror wearing all blue. If you’re wearing all Blue, the only thing you will see is the color blue. No matter how much you want to see the color red. No matter how many books you read about manifesting the color red in the mirror. No matter how much you wish, pray, plead, beg, imagine…etc that you were wearing a red shirt instead of a blue one, you are still wearing a blue shirt. The only way to see yourself wearing a red shirt in your bathroom mirror is to put on a mother f*cking red shirt! Get it!?

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

Life. It’s so simple. The path is clear. The way told to us over and over and over again. We’ve been begging, pleading, praying, manifesting, warring, pillaging, hurting, blaming and torturing to find the secret door to unlock. The door we’ve been standing in front of all along. And it is already open. We are already free. The only thing you need to do is realize it. We have the power to change the world. One red shirt at a time.