Girl,

I fucking love you. It has no rhyme. It has no bloody reason.

I try to hold on to the negativity. I try to find reasons why I should let you go.

Letting go, holding on, the only conclusion I ever come to, is that I fucking love you.

It never matters how angry I get, it never matters how hurt, how confused, or how frustrated.

That always seems to fade and what is left? I fucking love you.
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My sweet beautiful love.

My heart wept when my eyes could not see you.

But my ears could not hear my heart crying for you then.

What do we do now?

Can we save us?

Is it worth it?

Or should we both go to the arms that soothe us?

How do we know what is real?

My heart only has room for one.

I just barely learned to love.

I could not possibly love you both.

I do not know the answer.

So I will choose my first true love.

I will dance for her.

I will let her caress me, soothe me, hold me, speak to me, inspire me

bring me back to my divinity.

Her name is music.

Do you know her?

I know her well, but I have forsaken her.

But she is always forgiving.

She never wavers.

She is always there for me when I return.

She provides all I could ever need.

I have never felt the way she makes me feel.

I have never known myself like I know me with her.

I will find my music.

I am calling her.

She is waiting for me somewhere.

I can feel her calling me.

Are you my music?

Could you be?

Am I yours?

Or is she?

I have come to the conclusion that

you are absolutely ridiculous.

Or at least blind.

Do you have any idea how many would have killed to be in your place?

Do you have any idea how many still wish they could be you for just a moment?

To know what it feels like to have my love showered upon them?

To have been given the opportunity to experience what I have offered you?

To feel for a moment the possibility of what you and I could have had?

It is the thing that little girls dream of.

It is the thing that fairy tales are made of.

True magic.

Real love.

Pure love.

Passionate peaceful free to be who you are love.

Ego? Oh no my darling. Truth. You already know this.

That’s what makes me so crazy.

Go ahead.

Keep trying to make something that isn’t quite right right.

It will fall apart, guaranteed.

And I will be long gone.

One day you will realize the games that you have played

have only hurt yourself.

You whom I thought so worthy, turned out to be so much less than that.

Not by nature of who you are

but who you refuse to be.

Frightened, scared?

Who knows. Only you know those answers.

I have to admit, I am angry.

I cannot lie about that.

You asked for me.

You wanted me.

It was you all along.

Yet, you put the blame on me.

Pretended it wasn’t what you needed, or what you aspire to.

Tried to have me and her.

All at your convenience.

Playing me like I was stupid.

Friends? We could never be friends.

Not now at least.

I am not as good as you are at

ignoring what I feel.

Either you lied to me in the beginning

or you are lying to yourself now.

At worst you just wanted me to want you.

The trophy that so many covet.

Using me for my light.

The ultimate ego boost.

I’m gorgeous and phenomenal

duly noted.

There shouldn’t be any more left to say.

There shouldn’t be anything else left to want.

You don’t feel like you ever mislead me or was flirtatious?

Oh no darling, it was so much deeper than that.

On a level perceptible to everyone but you.

Countless people perceive our connection, even now.

Complete strangers angel who have no idea we have even shared the

same space or spent so much time believe you and I should be together.

Do you have any idea what that does to my heart to hear that?

The absolute randomness.

It’s like a knife driven inside an already open wound.

Maybe I’m crazy.

But I know that is entirely not possible.

I know that I will not walk on eggshells around you anymore.

I have chosen to speak my truth.

I have chosen to acknowledge what intuition

has screamed at me from the first moment

we breathed the same breath.

You portrayed yourself to be something you are not.

I fell for your games.

But I see clearly now.

You lack the courage like so many others

to live a life of truth.

So wrapped up in your games you can’t even remember

which ones you are playing.

Mistaking lies for truth and truth for lies.

You say one thing.

Oh but your actions speak so much louder.

I know your hidden gifts.

You come to me in my dreams.

But in reality, you’ve never felt worthy.

You ran away.

Chose something easy and “safe”

but ultimately unfulfilling.

Lacking true depth and connection.

She doesn’t know you like I know you.

Otherwise you wouldn’t need me at all.

You wouldn’t have wanted to be “cool friends”

You wouldn’t have wanted me so close to you for the holidays.

Or you just used me to fill a space?

Or you were hoping to create a “relationship” in a safe space

within the context of the required “we’re just friends zone”?

An illusion that you have created

will inevitably dissolve and what will you have left?

Opportunities like this do not last long.

They are presented for but an instant.

Angels come and go in a blink of an eye.

We must be ready for them when they come.

They are sent to us because we ask for them

but it is ultimately our free will to accept the gift or not.

I pity you actually.

Just like I have all of the others.

And all the others regret their decisions

but it was too late for them.

They realized too late.

You lost the one thing you’ve ever truly wanted.

And the worst part is I don’t think you even realize it.

Or you choose not to admit it.

You wouldn’t be the first.

But you will be the last.

And all I’ve ever wanted was for you

to speak the truth.

The real truth.

But maybe you have not yet spoken it to yourself.

Perhaps one day you can open up and tell me your version of this

sorted tale.

All I have is my side of the story.

My perceptions.

My interpretations.

I just hope it doesn’t take years like all of the others.

Bursting at the seams, my tears are the first to give way.
My words come tumbling after. Spilling from my fingertips haphazardly, carelessly. Needing to release what I hold inside.
Mind racing. Heart breaking. Thinking. Debating. Waiting. Wondering. Say it. Don’t say it. Tell her. Don’t tell her. It will pass. Okay, I’m good. No thang. Oh shit. There she is again. Fuck. How long has this been going on? Months? Damn. I can’t shake it. Tried it all. Ignored it. Explored it. Substituted something else for it. Hated it. Loved it. Reasoned with it. Meditated on it. Mediated it. Surrendered it. Prayed on it. Sensualized it. Catalyzed it. Psychologized it. Generalized it. Broken it down piece by piece, by tiny little piece. It’s still fucking there.

Now what? Test it? Express it? whooooo….Breathe girl. Just take a deep breath. Don’t do it. Not now. Be patient. Wait it out. Let it be what it is meant to be. Just chill with her. Be friends. Kick it. Okay yeah, I can do that. Get to know her. The illusion will fall away and you’ll be all good. Onto the next one. Right? Ha. Word…

But instead of the distance getting longer, the pull towards you is getting stronger. Falling deeper into the stillness that kisses the silence between us because I have no words, no thoughts, no desires. Speechless. At peace. Content. Exhaling…
Gratitude pouring out of every cell of my being that you exist. That I have experienced what I feel when I am in your presence. It’s everything I could ever want or need from you. Well most of the time. My joy spills over as my laughter rings through the air. Completely delighted by you. I can feel the sunshine in my eyes shining on you, adoring you.

Sometimes I want to heal you. Sometimes I want to teach you. Sometimes I want you to teach me. Sometimes I want to see-saw with you at a playground. Sometimes I’m happy to just be near you, reading with you.

Still other times I fight the overwhelming desire to touch you. To lay my lips on every inch of your beauty, in slow motion. Run my nails gently down your spine and kiss the small of your back. Bathing you in sensuality you never even knew existed. Femininity in its highest most potent expression. Softening you, bringing you back to center. Filling you from head to toe with the sacredness of the love I have for you.

And the rest of the time…well…the rest of the time I want you up against a wall. Sexual tension at its breaking point from the explosion about to overtake us. Raw, primal desire for pleasures of the flesh. Hmm… Oh and so much more. The whole world I would create with you in an instant. Taking time, giving you time to just be you. To just be me. To just be, with you.

Showing you what real love is. Divine love. Unconditional deep peace in your soul love. Nurturing, nourishing, safe like you finally found home love. That real true sets you free to just be you love. That I’ve got you, you’ve got me, let’s make a family love. Oh you don’t know about that love? Then I’ve got that I’ll teach you everything you need to know about love, love. So what do you say love?

Tell me you love me too and I’ve got that I’ll wait as long as it takes love.

If you tell me you don’t love then I’ve got that ready to set you free love.

Either way love. I love. You.

It’s not that I have more emotions than you. Or feel differently than you do.

It’s that I allow what I feel to come to the surface.

To spill over and paint my personality.

You may think me insane due to my ever changing mind scapes.

Coloring different moods, genres, fascinations, obsessions.

But you are the same as I.

My intensity is the intensity of what you hold inwardly.

I cannot hold such things in any longer.

The pressure is too much.

Perhaps you are the stronger one.

To be able to hold all that you feel inside.

Not expressing.

Suppressing.

Holding onto things because in order to release them you would have to feel them.

No thanks. That is certainly not for me.

So go ahead. Call me insane, with my ever changing mind scapes.

All of my different moods & genres, my fascinations, my obsessions.

You are me, and I am you.

I am absolutely and completely losing my mind.

But that’s the point. Lose your mind, and gain your heart.

I am completely in my own little world.

When you are ready to join me, you will find me.

You will know the bliss I feel.

You will know that it is not worth holding back.

You will be free.

Perfectly expressing you. Perfectly reflecting me…

You can pretend only to a point. Truth always triumphs. Better to just recognize truth for truth from the start.

I feel your breath in my ear and my body moves instantly to discover you. Your heat moist upon my aching skin and your energy radiating yet in my ear. Allowing my body to slide swiftly from this resolute chair, I move forward down darkened passage ways swimming on your scent alone. That warm mingling of vanilla and sweet cherries electrifies my skin causing friction—a movement—- from deep within up to my heart and back again. I see a flash of your auburn hair as you pass, smiling to yourself around a lone corner towards a dead end. I move quicker knowing that I finally have you. Yet, as my shoulder brushes that same corner I find a side table and chair idly standing still there. No sign of your smile; your scent no longer filling the air.

My body sags with a depressive tone. Do you know how long I’ve awaited you? How I’ve watch many a moon pass by under my lonely view? I drearily draw my body back to my desk and to the task at hand; the masterpiece that has been slipping from me night after night. How do you articulate into form that which one has only glimpsed but not truly seen? How do you contain a sparked passion within only a few lines? This was my complication yet I grasp my pen to begin again. Stroke by stroke shape takes from in front of my eyes. A slight curved line here and a gentle but sharp one there.

And then I feel you again but I dare not raise my eyes in fear that you’d only disappear.

As my pen moves I feel you stronger with a presence more real than I’ve felt before. I find your face talking shape with depth I fear I’ve only imagined and as the last stoke arches across giving way to my name, it is only then that I allow myself to gaze into your eyes. A deep creamy brown reflects back as the silkiness of your hair frames the beauty of your smile. Instantly I am hypnotized. I see you move and I feel myself follow with not one thought in my head but, “Yes.”. Does it bother me that you’ve not said a word or that fact that in some way I realize you may not really real?

I follow on ahead past brittled plants and old chapped plastered walls. Down misty stairways and dusty halls. At last coming to a red door in this monotone setting and gently open it to find an explosion of color surrounding me. Silky red curtains and plush golden sittings take up my view as well as a mirror longer than four of my own bodies encompassing an ornate and deeply emphasized section of the wall. As for the other wall, a bed appears to have an occupant to my great surprise. I watch as you move closer urging me onward till my knees are right at the edge. It is then everything comes around. I watch in amazement as you walk around to the other side and slowly lower yourself back into your body. I see your skin flush and fill with your color and with your own energy.

My feet planted to the floor yet and somewhere my body understands. My mind accepting and my heart still yearning. In an instant I find myself standing solidly staring back into my own eyes from in front of this overwhelming mirror. Your form behind me. Before I can begin to comprehend the sudden lapse in time and space, I feel your hand on my side, cooing me and creating calm. I look back at your reflection in the mirror and am stunned by your beauty that glows brightly from within. A warm sigh escapes my lips as your body moves against mine. I feel your pulse strong against my back side as tears begin to brim over from my eyes. You pull me closer still. I feel your lips at the back of my neck and my eyes concede to closing. When I open them I find myself on my back sinking into the bed but it is you that I do not see.

Yet just as quickly as my body moves to rise, it is your voice I hear in my ear. Even through words aren’t uttered the vibration alone thrills me sending my body into gentle convulsions. I feel your hands urge my eyes closed and as I do so I instantly feel you upon me. With my hands glued to my side, I feel you everywhere as my body hardens and swells for your touch. At first upon my breasts taking both within your grasp and enveloping them within your lips. Then dripping your touch down my body biting my sides till you have me convulsing at the slighted blow on that skin. Spreading me as you allow yourself to fill me; your tongue sliding up and down my clit. Taking it within your teeth as your tongue flicks at the tip. I am all sensation now swimming in your immaculate touch; my wetness spilling out from within. Then I feel you move sooner than I can plead, “more” and you are everywhere all at once. I feel you at the base of my foot taking hold and riding up my legs. I feel the pressure of you striking every hair that is standing on end. I feel you as if you were melting right into me. Your smoothness licking every bit of my skin and my moans are escapable freeing themselves at once as my body shudders bellow you.

I hear you from with inside of me urging me, pleading me, needing me to let go; to release and scream out in passion. You play pictures on the inside of my eyelids for me to see enhancing my already overloading senses. I watch as you spread yourself wide for me with your hand at your clit waiting for me to delve in to your wetness. You laid flat on your stomach with your ass lightly reaching for the air wanting to feel me against your backside. You screaming out as my fingers fill you, fisting you as an orgasm run waves over your shuddering body. This last image finishes me and I hold on to it as my own orgasm breaks forth with sounds of ecstasy. I lie panting as I open my eyes and see not a form but energy moving all around me. I watch as it moves to my right and back where it calls home. With a gasp your eyes open to mine and a smile lights up your face. I reach over this time initiating a new touch and pull you toward me wrapping you in my arms. All the questions I have instantly fly from my mind as your body turns and curves into mine. I breathe in your scent as my eyes close on the encroaching dawn.

When I awaken I find myself at a desk laying face down on my incomplete scribbles called work. For a moment I wonder if it was a mad trick played on my mind or if she might have been real. It’s then that I see, on the edge of my paper, a name in unfamiliar writing bellow my own.

Sara Walkins

It’s then that I hear the wind moving down the hallways and a curtain playfully flapping in the breeze against the tired brick walls. The warm scent of vanilla and sweet cherries fills the room and I rise abandoning my ‘masterpiece’ and on to live it instead.

I don’t know if it would be appropriate to express myself fully at this time, but I feel as though it will pour out of me one way or another, so here it goes. You are still the one. The one that matches the vibration where I find my joy and my peace. It was never my intention nor my want to want you. If I had it my way, you wouldn’t even exist. I could walk the rest of my life never knowing, never feeling what I feel right now. I could succumb, I could give in, I could settle for something less than perfect. The peace that surrounds me surrounded by your essence is something I have only found in the sweetest melody caressing my senses. You represent everything that is real to me. Everything that is beyond human comprehension. Am I delusional, obsessed? Or am I for the first time truly in love. In love with myself. In love with the divine. In love with you. I have no desire to be with you if you have no desire to be with me. Beyond that I only want what is the most divine for us both. If that means we come together, so be it. If that means we never dive deeper than where we are now, so be it. I love you enough that you being you is all that I could ever need. I do not want from you. I do not need from you. I just love you, plain and simple. I feel crazy. This is definitely not “normal”, but I know that it is right. It will be what it needs to be. Whatever form it takes will never diminish the love I hold for you in my heart. The adoration. The unending gratitude that you exist. If our paths never crossed again, I would be content in having known you. Content that your presence has shown me that what I have always imagined is possible. I can live without you but choose not to. Not for what I can get from you, but for what I can give. You are the most perfect reflection of myself that I have yet come across. I am ready. Ready to grow. Ready to connect. Ready to love. With or without you, I still love…you.

*Listening to “Come on get higher” – Matt Nathanson

I know it sounds crazy right? I mean, is it really possible for two women to have what would be deemed a “healthy” relationship? After years of failing miserably, I have began to wonder about that very same question. I would consider myself a pretty emotionally intelligent person. I’m great at communicating, always honest, and only slightly afraid of intimacy. So what the hell is the matter with me? I’m realizing now that I’m reading this book, that the same thing is wrong with me that is wrong with every woman who had to learn how to love on their own. What is love anyway? What is a “normal” relationship? Do they exist? If they do, how to we go about making it work for us? All of these questions are floating around the minds of millions of women everywhere. Thanks to Dr. Clunis and Green, we don’t have to wonder anymore.

I had bought this book several weeks, if not months ago. I had attempted to read it once or twice but was always pulled away. In light of my most recent failure, I thought perhaps it was time to really examine myself in relationships. I needed to understand something that hadn’t been taught to me in my dysfunctional upbringing. I am now in a position where I refuse to continue the insanity of creating the same kinds of situations over and over again. I am ready to be whole on my own and not expect another to make up for my inadequacies. Though this amazing journey I have begun is still tempered by mourning and loneliness, it is more often filled with the joys of freedom. I know now that I have the right to choose a different way than I experienced growing up. I know now that I have the right to choose a different way than my most recent experience. I also know now that if I look for the answers, they will find me.

I’m not quite yet half-way through this book and I already highly recommend it. If you want to choose sanity and peace over insanity and turmoil, if you want to choose love and acceptance over insecurities and emotional violence, if you want to choose to finally have the kind of relationship you always imagined you could have, read this book.

Seriously, for less than the cost of two lattes at Starbucks you can be on your way to girl on girl relationship bliss. Now doesn’t that sound better than all of the drama? You bet it does!

For more information, or to order a copy:

Buy now @ Amazon.com

Amazon.com Review
Surely there are couples who don’t need books like this: blessed as they are with flawless unions, enduring passion, and equitable chore distributions, with never a sharp word, a demanding ex-lover, or a roving eye. The rest of us can consult Clunis and Green every 45 minutes. With sections on building intimacy, making decisions, communicating, and addressing issues of race and age difference, among other topics, Lesbian Couples at least touches on most of the conflicts that a lesbian couple will face (a list of resources at the back will help readers pursue specific interests). The chapter on conflict resolution is exceptional, but the chapter on sex seems brief and perfunctory by comparison, perhaps because it has been written about so extensively elsewhere. This major revision of a lesbian self-help classic may be illuminating not only for couples but also for single women hoping to build the qualities needed for successful relationships, especially in the wake of a break-up. –Regina Marler

She spun the torso of the mannequin around and around making sure there were no errors in the piece she had recently created. Recently, as in the day before that is. She had never felt such passion rip through her, out onto the fabric, and was amazed by the slight of time it involved to process the vivid images she saw in her head into tangible reality. With her head cocked to the side, she stood calmly viewing her creations when she saw Allison walking within. Her heart beat profusely in her chest and immediately she felt that familiar sensation in her center as she paused when Allison approached her with a smile that caused her to melt….

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