“His crown, my heart…”

copyright 2006 Claudia II Photography

I’m left speechless more often than not. A love not like any I’ve been blessed with before. No it isn’t new so much as newly realized. For a year I’ve felt something I thought I would never find. A peace, a calm, a certainty in something that has no explanation. So different I have no comparison. Every moment is new. Every smile that dances on my lips, every exhale that takes with it any struggle to convey the meaning of my spirit to another. All I’ve ever wanted was to be seen. To be seen and loved for what was there. Given the allowance to be who I was fully without apologies, without guilt. To be shown my true reflection in all of my glory and all of my misteps with no judgement, no condemnation. Just appreciation, gentle correction, and a loving touch.

Why do we resist truth so strongly?

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I’ve always considered myself a very honest person. Though the more I get to know myself the more I realize I really haven’t been. At least not with things that really mattered. Like the things that my heart whispers to me. I’ve been too busy listening to the voice of the darkness within me. Mistaking it for truth. The part of me that leads me to believe I am not worthy or deserving of happiness. The part of me that has pushed every chance of me getting what I want away because I hid from myself what I really wanted. This lead to enormous amounts of pain, guilt, and depression. Which in turn lead to more decisions to bring to me only more of those things.

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Now there are quite a few of us out there, myself included, that go from one relationship to another. Sometimes these relationships even overlap. As one is ending the other is phasing in. It occurred to me that if that is the case, if we go from one relationship directly into the other without the proper time in between to process lessons learned or not, does that mean that every other relationship we get into is merely a rebound relationship in between the real ones? Read the rest of this entry »